


blind to what is best

by alisonreese



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-07 23:47:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1918707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alisonreese/pseuds/alisonreese
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her job requires constant attentiveness to details and informed, objective analysis, but in those moments when she is in her lab, her only company an empty shell of what used to be a human being, her thoughts are a scrambled cacophony of all the things she could be doing for her girlfriend and all things she may be doing wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**i. these bones she is not supposed to see**

She is skinnier than she used to be. The cheekbones that have always been obvious now cut across her face in sharp, fierce lines. Her collarbones stick out further and the area of her chest where her skin stretches across her sternum is so tight that you can see the curves of her ribs. 

It was gradual, Holly knows, a slow change that only those who truly paid attention could see. And she does. She does pay attention. Sometimes it feels like Gail is the only thing she actually sees.

Her job requires constant attentiveness to details and informed, objective analysis, but in those moments when she is in her lab, her only company an empty shell of what used to be a human being, her thoughts are a scrambled cacophony of all the things she could be doing for her girlfriend and all things she may be doing wrong. Really, Gail is the same person. The attitude is still there. The quick, dry wit that most people mistake for cold-heartedness, is still there, in full. That sharp, swift tongue of Gail's is something Holly has always loved about her.

That first day, when Gail took it upon herself to subtly insult her way in, the words that rolled off her tongue felt a lot more like the beginnings of friendship than any kind of animosity. 

(In the months later, Holly learned about all the other things that tongue could do.)

But that is the worst part of it is the fact that she is still outwardly the same person. Because it is all making Holly feel a little crazy. Maybe the reason that she is the only person noticing these little things is because they aren't actually there. 

Holly knows better than to ask Gail about it. 

And she knows that her fears increase when she is standing over lifeless bodies.

Because she is starting to wonder why her mind is correlating the victims on her table with whatever is going on with the woman she loves.

And she is starting to wonder if the woman she loves is still inside that body with the well-defined cheekbones and the more pronounced ribcage. 

**ii. sometimes quiet is violent**

Finally it all starts to be too much. Not because Gail is being angry or closed-off, or any of the other things she likes to pull out of her bag of tricks when someone is getting to close to the truth.

It is the quiet. It is the fact that Gail stops talking in the car. She stops talking when they grab quick lunches at breaks. She stops talking when they are all getting drinks at the Penny.

If Holly or Chris or Traci try to start a conversation, Gail will participate, if only to prove she  _can_  speak, but her head doesn't seem to be in it. 

Even though it means something is worse, it is also a tangible difference that other people notice, which Holly takes a sick sense of reassurance from. At first it is Chris.

_"Gail? You there? Chloe has been talking for a whole three minutes and you haven't told her to shut up once."_

_Holly snapped her attention to Gail and the way she was staring into her drink, her heart rate speeding up in anticipation. But she deflated when Gail's only response was to glance up, mutter a quick, "sorry" and then turn her attention toward the voice she once told Holly reminded her of a hybrid of a drunk Disney princess and a chihuahua._

Four days after the night at the Penny, Traci had walked into Holly's lab, a clear evidence bag in one hand and a white coffee cup in the other. 

_"Hey Doc, can you run this for me? When you get a chance?"_

_Holly looked up from the computer screen to see Traci standing in the doorway with a wry grin on her face. "Hey Trace. I'll get one of the interns right on it."_

_Traci nodded her thanks and crossed the short distance to place the coffee cup on Holly's desk. She shifted on her feet for a moment, looking at Holly in consideration, before seemingly making a decision. "Actually there is something else."_

_"Oh?"_

_"It's about Gail."_

_"Oh."_

_"Look, I realize that maybe it isn't really my business, and Gail would probably tell me to fuck off if she knew I was worried, but I am. And I think you are too."_

_Holly set down the pen she had been twirling between her fingers and gave a deep sigh, forcing out the weeks of confusion and indecision in one wavered breath. "Yeah."_

_"Do you think..." Traci bit her lip. "Do you think the department shrink cleared her too soon?"_

Yes. The answer was a resounding yes. But, Holly had to admit, she was a little biased, because three years after the shooting would have felt too soon to her, let alone three weeks. 

But Holly had held it back, assuring Traci that Gail would be fine, knowing that it was imperative her fellow officers believed in her. And Holly's false certainty seemed to work on Traci at the time. 

But that was last week. And last night Gail woke up screaming and sweating and Holly decided that enough was enough. The woman she loved was in pain and she would be damned if she wasn't going to do everything in her power to fix it. 

Gail may have always been blind to what was best for her, but it is still the only thing Holly sees.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is all making me so happy. hope you like it

**iii. two party discussion (better late than never)**

After two days of internal debates about the best way to start this absolutely necessary conversation, Holly realizes that this is Gail she is talking about. Consulting the latest trauma journals and applying some kind of clinical technique would only be insulting to Gail’s vast array of unique idiosyncrasies. Which is a word that, when Holly had first applied it to Gail, a good two years ago, earned her a scoff and another tequila shot haphazardly slid across her kitchen island.

_“Idiosyncrasies?”_

_Holly latched onto the shot glass before it could topple over and nodded her head with a sheepish smile. “Yeah. You have idiosyncrasies. It’s a good thing. It’s cute.”_

_“Cute?”_   
  


_Holly downed the shot and grimaced as the alcohol passed the back of her throat, reaching for the bowl of lime slices Gail had provided. “Yes. You are cute. Deal with it. And come over here. I want you closer.”_

_“Holly, you have had three shots. Please tell me I am not dating a light weight.”_

_“Have you ever thought that maybe it’s not the alcohol and I just really like your body? And your lips? Seriously get over here.”_

Holly closes the last tab of her browser and her laptop, resigning herself to the reality of the situation. She was just going to have to come out with it. Without pretense or colorful words. Alcohol, however, was not a terrible idea.

She stands from the sofa and walks into the kitchen, glancing at the clock on the microwave. 4:23 PM. She has less than ten minutes before Gail was due home. She had called earlier, asking if Thai or Chinese sounded better. Thai, of course, because even though she has decided to reject the regular techniques, it didn’t seem like a terrible idea to fill Gail with some of her favorite foods.

She pulls the bottle of tequila that they always seemed to have stashed in the cupboard below the island, before moving to retrieve a lime and a knife.

But the knife wasn’t steady in her hand and what were supposed to be lime slices end up closer to a mash of pulp, and it all just hurts. Because Gail had always been so strong and she always said that Holly made her better but what are you supposed to do when your girlfriend was forced to kill someone and hasn’t quite figured out how to handle that.

It will be okay. As long as she manages not to shatter the tequila bottle in the next few minutes.

Which she comes dangerously close to doing when the front door opens not two minutes later. She takes a deep breath and pastes on what she hopes is her most normal smile. _For Gail_ , she reminds herself. This was likely to end terribly, but she loved her and she needed this.

“Hol?”

“In the kitchen.”

Holly looks up to see Gail leaning in the doorway with a small half-smile that doesn’t belong anywhere near her girlfriend’s face.

Gail’s hair has grown out since what Holly fondly refers to as the “Great Bathroom Debacle” two years ago. She keeps it short though, claiming it’s just easier that way, and the edges of it end just past her collarbone. She wears here perfectly fitted olive colored bomber jacket, a gift from Holly six months into their relationship for no reason in particular, over a grey camisole tank top and some of the tightest black skinny jeans known to man kind. The sight of it all puts a smile on Holly’s face because it is just so…normal.

“I got dinner.”

“Good. I’m starving. And I have alcohol.”

Which, it seems, is enough to make the half-smile grow into what Holly would have liked to describe as a beam, if not for the fact that it never reaches Gail’s eyes.

They go about laying out their dinner, and the kiss that Gail places on Holly’s shoulder as she reaches for silverware is enough to fill her with a sense of purpose.

Two shots, she decides. She will wait until Gail is two shots in until she brings it up. She knows her well enough to understand that two shots are when her girlfriend loosens up enough to say things that she usually only keeps to herself.

And then they have each had two shots and Holly decides that she needs a third for herself just to start this conversation.

 _Okay, fuck it,_ she tells herself, except she said it out loud and Gail is looking up at her with her fork frozen halfway to her mouth and she knows there isn’t any going back now.

“Fuck what?”

Holly lets out a nervous laugh before placing her palms on the island. “There is something I have to say and I need you to just let me get it all out before you say anything.”

Gail gives a small nod but the way her eyes slightly widen in fear tells Holly that a million things are likely going through her head, each one more gruesome than the next.

“Okay. So here goes. I’ve noticed things. In the past month, I mean. And I am worried, because I really love you and the idea that you might be in pain is not something I will never just accept.”

And from the way Gail’s jaw clenches and her eyebrow shifts up a bit tells Holly that she knows where this conversation is going, but she is three shots in and it seems the tequila is working to loosen her tongue far more than Gail’s.

“And you are. Even if you think you aren’t, I can see it. And I want to help. I may not be a shrink, but I think I know enough to be sure that if you talk about it, it will get easier. Better, maybe?”

Her hands are flapping about and the expression on Gail’s face hasn’t changed since she started this, and oh god, what is she doing? And why can’t she stop talking?

“I mean, I don’t know. But it’s scaring me and I love you and I can see your cheek bones more and more everyday and I-”

“Hol?”

Fuck. Shit. This is when she gets up and walks away, isn’t it? Holly finally snaps her mouth shut and places her palms back on the counter and waits for the oncoming explosion.

“I’m scaring you?”

And it’s Holly’s turn to be confused. Because now Gail looks guilty and her voice was nothing more than a rasp, and this conversation wasn’t supposed to make her feel worse.

“No-I…I just…You don’t smile the same. And I love your smile. Everything about it. But its different now. And I want your old smile back.”

Gail is looking at her like she has completely lost her way and the way her eyebrows scrunch together and her chin wobbles makes Holly want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is better.

“I’m sorry,” Gail chokes out. “I just want it to stop hurting. I…I’m sorry.”

“No, baby. No. You don’t apologize to me. We will do it together, okay? You and me. Just like always.”  
And the lines on Gail’s face disappear and there is something akin to relief that crosses her face when she nods and repeats Holly’s words. “You and me. Just like always.”

The tears that have been scratching at the back of Holly’s eyes for the last month finally fall and she pushes away from the counter. “Okay. Come here. I want you closer.”  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. I can't stop. I don't want to.
> 
> Oh, and, I don't own any of these characters. Holly is, however, my absolute dream girl, but maybe you all didn't need to know that.

**iv. vintages couches and a growing collection of empty wine bottles**

The conversation is immediately moved to the couch. After a hug that was half comfort, half strategic design to keep Gail in this tenuous moment of release, Holly runs her fingernails down the notches of Gail's spine and softly suggests they make their way to the living room.

It is their place.

The first night Holly ever brought Gail home, not even two weeks after they first met, they spent the entire night sprawled out on the couch drinking wine from the bottle, discussing the merits of reality television.

" _No."_

" _Yes, I mean it. These shows have value."_

" _My god. Please, Holly. Please inform me of the educational values of Jersey Shore."_

" _Okay, well, not specifically Jersey Shore, but reality shows function as an anthropological examination of our culture."_

…

" _Gail?"  
"Sorry, I fell asleep in the middle of that sentence. What were we talking about?"_

And after their first fight, when they finally got over themselves and accepted their mutually necessary presence in each other's lives, they ended up on that soft, vintage leather couch that Holly had since medical school.

_She had taken to leaving the front door unlocked. It was stupid and reckless and she would have given anything for Gail to sweep inside like she owned the place and berate Holly for the ridiculous amount of danger she was placing herself in._

_But every night she would have to accept that Gail wasn't going to just waltz in, and she would trudge across the house to the front door, spend a good thirty seconds determining the chances that Gail might just show up tonight, before eventually accepting the truth and flipping the lock._

_After entering the second week of what felt like the most pathetic routine ever, Holly picked herself up off the couch, placed the empty wine bottle on the counter and walked to the front door._

_But her door had an oval-shaped glass panel in the center that allowed her to look though to the front porch and it was doing just that that alerted her to a presence. A distinctly human presence. The curve of a spine and the back of a head featuring hair such a bright shade of blonde, it seemed to function as its own light source._

_She whipped the door open so fast it was a miracle the hinges managed to stay put. The sound of the displaced air was enough to pull the blonde huddle out of her reverie and she glanced up, eyes widening at the sudden appearance._

_She stood slowly and faced Holly, who still had a white-knuckle grip on the doorknob._

_And there was something about the way Gail was chewing on her bottom lip and the slight lift in her shoulders that dispelled most of the anger and frustration Holly had built up since that night. Most but not all._

_But it was Gail and she was there and life could start again and she no longer had to worry about the recent increase in home burglaries in her part of town._

_It felt like the right thing to do when she reached over the threshold, latched onto Gail's wrist and pulled her into the house and toward the couch, all without saying a word._

_It felt like the right thing to do when she pulled the latest in a long string of wine bottles, popped the cork and placed it in front of Gail, an olive branch of sorts. An invitation._

_And Gail took it._

Tonight is no different. Holly hopes that the familiarity of the couch makes Gail feel safe enough to open up.

Because at this point she is just winging it.  _  
_It is exactly two minutes and seventeen seconds until Gail makes a sound. Two minutes and seventeen seconds that Holly counts out in her head because she is pretty sure that if she stops counting she will start talking and that will completely shatter whatever state of increasing openness Gail is in.

Except that Gail does finally say something and it all hurts so much that there is no way this was a good idea anymore.

"It felt good. I liked it. I liked the feeling."  
And how the hell are you supposed to respond to that?

So she doesn't. She just sits there, blindingly aware that if she were to move even a muscle, Gail would interpret that as some kind of condemnation.

"I pulled the trigger and I watched him fall back and it felt good."  
She looks up, finally, and the pain and self-loathing spread across her alabaster skin makes Holly want to kill that man herself, simply for making Gail feel this way.

"What the hell does that make me? I killed a man and it felt good. N-not even a man. A kid. He was a k-kid, Holly. 22 years old. A kid."  
The stuttering increases and the whites of her eyes grow glassy and Holly wants to say something, anything to make this better, but there is nothing. There are no words of reassurance for when your girlfriend thinks she is a murderer. Except, maybe these.

"You did the right thing, Gail."

"No!" And Gail is off the couch, pacing back and forth, her hands pulling at the meeting of her hair and her scalp. "Nothing about it is right. Nothing about it is good."

"Not good, but baby, you saved lives that day."

"I  _took_  a life that day!" She isn't pacing anymore, but there is a crazed smile on her face that makes Holly wish she still was.

"I made a decision and a kid is dead.  _Dead_."

Holly has to stare at her feet now because the look on Gail's face is making everything hurt even more.

"That was me. I did that. And it felt good!"

Gail's hands are in the air and her chest is heaving and Holly has never seen her quite so out of control. Which, it seems, is enough to clear her mind of the worry that this was all too much, too soon.

"Yes. You did it. You killed him."

And maybe that was a stupid thing to say, but at this point 'fuck it' is really the only way to go, because Gail's chest is still heaving but her hands are at her sides and the maniacal look is gone, replaced by utter confusion.

"You took his life. And it felt good. Does it still?"

"Still what?"

"Does it still feel good?"

"What? Holly-"

"Do you regret it? Do you spend hours of everyday going back to that moment in your mind, questioning the decision?"

Silence. But just for a moment. And then, softly, "Yes."

"Do you run through every possibility, every choice you could have made?"

"Yes." Stronger this time.

"Every possible turn of events that led up to that exact situation?"

"Yes."

"And knowing everything you know, every consideration you made, knowing that Traci would have almost assuredly died if you didn't, would you do it again?"

Silence. Longer this time, and Gail's eyes start darting left and right and she is shaking her head ever so slightly, like she knows what is coming but she just can't accept it.

"Look at me, Gail. You have thought about this over and over for a month now. Was there another solution? Any possible way for everyone to get out safely? Or at all?"

Gail's eyes are closed now and she is shaking her head slower. It isn't an answer to the question, but Holly pushes on, standing from the couch and stopping less than a foot away from her trembling girlfriend.

"Have you, in all this time, come up with any other possibility?"

She doesn't say anything. But she stops shaking her head and her breathing evens out and that is answer enough.

"Gail, open your eyes."

She does but it still hurts. Maybe one day it will stop.

"Would you do it again?"

It comes out as a choked sob, and immediately after, Gail crumbles into Holly's arms.

Always into Holly's arms because it is the two of them and this is how it is supposed to be.

"Yes."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't own anything, of course.  
> and even though our girls did not make up last night, did you really expect them too?  
> we can debate the authenticity of holly's claim that she is seeing someone else, but at least we got some incredible character growth for Gail.  
> have hope!  
> also, next chapter this story will finally earn its M rating :) and i will be busy with work over the next few days so it probably wont come as quick as the first few. plus i am going to make them longer.  
> until next time!

**v. two moments in the kitchen, some fruit, and a coffee maker**

Gail isn't in bed the next morning.

Nor, as far as Holly can tell from her position tangled up in their sheets, is she home at all. There are no sounds coming from the bathroom, no clamor from the kitchen or muffled voices from the television.

Which is worrisome.

Because after a night of yelling, venting, quiet expressions of regret, and eventually, a brief yet sincere acceptance of her situation, it would be a very Gail thing to do to flee the scene of the crime.

But that was Gail two years ago.

That was Gail before two years of safety and comfort and always knowing someone had her back. Of always knowing there was someone there, when no one had ever been before.

And yet, Gail isn't in bed.

With a deep sigh of resignation, Holly sits up in bed and runs her hands through her hair before sliding out and reaching for her glasses.

She is barely half way down the stairs when she hears the front door open amid the rustling of plastic bags.

And Holly smiles.

She stops where she is and waits for Gail to cross the hall into the kitchen, watching as Gail fumbles with her keys, her jacket, and two small plastic bags from the corner grocer. After a couple seconds of scuffling, Gail glances up to see Holly staring at her.

A couple of seconds of silence and then a smile slowly spreads across Gail's face, one that says she knows she has been caught.

"You are supposed to be in bed."

"I woke up and you weren't there."

From the look on Gail's face it is clear that she knows exactly what went through Holly's head during that discovery.

"I was going to make breakfast. But we don't have any blueberries."

"Blueberries?"

"For pancakes. Blueberry pancakes."

Holly lets out a laugh of disbelief tinged with amusement. "You are making me pancakes?"

"Well, I am going to  _try_." She gives a shrug and moves into the kitchen, Holly following behind. As she sets the bags on the counter she looks up. "But since your up…I mean if we want them to be edible?"

"So, now I am making me pancakes?"

"I bought the blueberries?"

And Holly shakes her head but acquiesces, but not before directing Gail towards the coffee maker.

It is a habit. When they have enough time in the mornings, Holly makes breakfast and Gail makes the coffee.

Because it is virtually impossible to mess up coffee when the maker you have requires two pushes of a button and one minute of patience.

Even though one minute is pushing it.

But this morning, while she is mixing the pancake batter, Holly watches as Gail moves about the kitchen with an air of confidence she hasn't seen in awhile.

It isn't over, she isn't lying to herself, it won't be all over for a while, but she can take comfort in this kind of quiet today.

This kind of quiet says that Gail knows that everything that has happened the night before was needed. The first step on the road towards healing the scars that formed after she pulled the trigger.

As Holly is mixing in the blueberries, Gail steps around her, trailing her fingertips across Holly's lower back while she reaches for two ceramic mugs.

She knows these touches. These small gestures of reassurance that tell her Gail is here, she is here and she isn't going anywhere.

She may have gone off track for a bit but she found her way back and she is here.

She is here and she is staring at the coffee maker as if the intensity of her gaze will make that minute of patience decrease to a more bearable wait.

"Gail?"

"Mmmm?"

She doesn't respond quite yet, knowing that if she waits a moment, Gail will look up in question, and she wants to see her face when she says these words.

And she does look up, her eyebrows scrunched together, but her body is still facing the coffee maker, because priorities are important.

"I love you."

The slow smile is back and Gail finally faces her. "I love you too."

And maybe it is the tone of voice or the location, but there is something about it that makes Holly think of the first time she heard those words.

_She isn't exactly sure how they got to this point but she is pretty sure this all started when she accidentally chose Chloe's side over Gail's after being informed of a discussion that had taken place earlier in the day._

_Yes, that was definitely where this all went to shit._

_Because now they are sniping at each other about improper handling of toothpaste tubes and suddenly the absurdity of the situation is catching up to her and she feels a smile threatening to break out across her face._

_Which only works to anger Gail further. "What the hell is so funny?"_

_And now Holly is laughing and she can't stop and Gail's face is red and, oh my god, she loves this woman._

_She isn't laughing anymore. Because it's true. It's been true for so long she can't even remember a time when it wasn't._

_Gail is standing there angry and confused and she throws her hands in the air and says, "Why are you just standing there grinning like an idiot?"_

_It is all rather amusing now, because she knows that this will always be the moment she first said these words, in the middle of her kitchen, arguing about toothpaste. But it's fitting isn't it? It's them._

" _Because I love you."_

_Gail's response comes out as a screech. "You what?"_

_She is more confident about it now because it's true and it's Gail and it feels so right. "I love you."_

_And Gail doesn't look angry anymore, or confused. She looks peaceful and relieved and it's about damn time._

" _I love you too."_

**vi. cracks and flinches and movement forward**

She is sitting in the lab in front of a computer that, given the rate of advancement for technology, should take a lot less time to spit out results.

It has been four days. Four days of a less tense, less quiet, less scared Gail.

And even though it is a soft science, Holly has to credit psychology and its theories. Because who knew that all it would take was five shots of tequila between them, some Thai food, and a long talk to get Gail to see the light.

There are still moments, though. Moments when Holly can see the cracks. Like when Gail gets dressed in the morning and flinches slightly at the sight of her gun holster. But she pushes through and puts it on her belt next to her silver detective's badge.

" _Do you think I should apply for the next detective's rotation?"_

" _Do you_ want _to apply?"_

" _I don't know. I think- I think I would be good at it. If I really tried this time."_

" _I think so too."_

Traci is more protective of Gail now. Chris too. Just enough for Holly to notice and be thankful. Just enough to know that when Gail is out in the field, she has people looking after her.

It is knowledge that comes in handy at times like these, when she is sitting and waiting, unable to think about anything but Gail and how she may or may not be feeling.

"Knock, knock."

She spins around in her chair to see the object of her thoughts standing in the doorway, wearing dark skinny jeans, a merlot top, and a grey blazer, with a plastic bag hanging off her fingers.

"Lunch?"

"I-" She glances at the timer. "-have exactly thirty-seven minutes until I have anything to do. So yes, please."

Lunch turns out to be panini sandwiches eaten at the tables outside of the lab. It is a nice day out; the sun is shining and the breeze is just enough to take the edge off the heat and wreck havoc on the shorter hairs about Gail's face.

And Gail is talking today. She is telling a story about a witness she interviewed and it is all making Holly so happy.

She could be reciting the digits of pi and it would make Holly happy. Because Gail is talking and talking means she isn't dwelling on impossible choices and lives ended too soon.

It feels a lot like moving forward. And when Gail changes her tone of voice to mimic yet another character in her roller coaster of a story, Holly starts laughing and it is light and worry free and happy.

Time is moving forward again; they are no longer frozen in this limbo of being afraid to push and not willing to speak and waiting, just waiting for something, anything to happen.

And she knows now, if time is moving forward, then so can they, and Holly can start thinking about the little box tucked into a hollowed out copy of a battered  _Pride and Prejudice_ , the little black box carrying her grandmother's engagement ring.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all, i'm back. sorry about the wait, work has been crazy. as promised, this chapter contains a sex scene, or at least my attempt at one.  
> and it's about twice as long as usual, but as this is more of a series of ficlets than anything else, it's not super long.  
> also, i own nothing, blah blah, Gail and Holly need to get their shit together because I am tired of Rookie Blue making me sad.  
> until next time!

**vii. secret keeping is a dangerous sport**

Holly really likes watching Gail.

In the mornings when Gail's alarm goes off at 4:45am, she slowly extricates herself from Holly's arms, places a soft kiss to her forehead and moves quietly for the bathroom.

And Holly lets her believe that she is still asleep because she really likes watching her.

The perceived lack of audience allows Gail to let slip the false bravado that so often takes over. It takes her to her default setting, one where she doesn't need to convince anyone else that she is just fine, thank you, and she really doesn't care what you think anyway.

(Holly learned long ago that neither one of those statements is really true.)

This morning is different, though. There is nervousness about the way Gail is moving. She keeps shooting quick glances back at Holly, either making sure she is still sleeping or still there and Holly knows why.

After a few minutes, Gail seems to finally accept that Holly is in fact still unconscious, but that doesn't seem to do anything to settle her mind.

_The second they walked through the front door, Gail had turned to her, raised her eyebrow, and asked if she was okay. And all the residual feelings from the night slipped away, replaced by a rather mind-numbing sense of lust._

_It was the goddamn eyebrow thing. She had lost count of how many pointless arguments ended with them tangled in their sheets, or sprawled out on the living room floor just because Gail played the eyebrow card._

_And so the second the question was posed, Holly had surged forward, grasping at the collar of Gail's olive bomber jacket and kissed away anything that would have followed. It was a surefire way to distract Gail from her worries._

_A kiss from Gail stopped Holly's mouth from running and a kiss from Holly stopped Gail's mind from running._

_The method came through once again because just before the moment where all rational thought slipped from her head, she felt Gail flip their positions, pushing Holly against the closed front door and deepening their kiss in a rather aggressive manner that made Gail's intentions quite clear._

_And there was a thigh pressed between her legs, and why did she think there was anything wrong again?_

_Because Gail's hands were slipping under her shirt, moving confidently up toward her bra, before stepping back momentarily to pull off her jacket, then Holly's, and toss them across the room._

_Then her hands were back, prompting goose bumps along the flesh of Holly's torso, or maybe that was the fact that her shirt was suddenly gone, and how did Gail manage to do that so quickly?_

_But then she was being whisked away towards the stairs and why was Gail still clothed?_

_Apparently because climbing the stairs backward doesn't mix well with taking off clothes, except when it ends in a fit of giggles and then there was a stair pressing into her back but Gail's tongue was making it's way down her throat and who was she to complain?_

" _Hmmm, baby, we aren't doing this on the stairs."_

" _What? Oh, right."_

_Gail let out a raspy chuckle that did nothing to encourage the fog to leave Holly's mind, but she pulled herself together enough to climb the rest of the stairs with Gail leading her by the hand._

_The minute they were on solid ground, Holly yanked Gail back against her, intent on retaking even an ounce of control over the situation._

" _I need your clothes off now."_

_And Gail smirked and lifted her shirt over her head before Holly pulled it out of her hand and launched it down the stairs._

_Then Gail was laughing again._

" _What? It was in my way."_

" _Yeah? Well, your pants are in my way. Take them off."_

_But before she even had a chance to react, Gail was clawing at her belt and the zipper of her jeans and those too went the way of Gail's shirt._

" _Mmm, much better."_

" _Hurry up."_

_Another raspy chuckle. "Someone is anxious."_

_But Holly was past the point of teasing. "Just shut up and let me fuck you."_

_The grin disappeared from Gail's face, replaced with a look of overwhelming desire and need and Holly knew the control was back in her hands. So pulled Gail back towards their bedroom, shutting the door by placing Gail's back against it. She tore at Gail's belt and jeans, pushing them down her hips and thighs before pulling them off her ankles. She remained on her knees, placing her forehead against Gail's hipbone and breathing in the scent of her skin._

_She glanced up and saw Gail's chest heaving and the white-knuckle grip she was attempting to get against the smooth wood of the door. Placing a single kiss to the front of Gail's black lace panties, she got off her knees, moving them both towards the bed so that they fell together._

_But Gail regained the upper hand once again when she placed her knees on each side of Holly's hip and her hand's on Holly's forearms, pressing them into the mattress._

_Holly struggled against the hold for a few seconds before admitting defeat with a huff._

_The smirk on Gail's face grew. "Don't pretend you don't like when I have you like this."_

_Holly rolled her eyes. "There are better things you can do with your tongue than mouthing off."_

_The smirk morphed into a grin and Gail's placed her lips against Holly's neck, nipping at her collarbone without releasing her grip on Holly's arms._

_Holly arched her back against Gail's body, encouraging her ministrations. Gail finally let go of Holly's wrists, trailing her fingernails up her arms towards her chest, moving her lips down to the soft skin between Holly's breasts._

_She took advantage of the curve of Holly's back and slipped her hands around to detach the clasp of her bra._

_The bra was tossed over her shoulder and Gail bent back down, flicking her tongue once against Holly's hardened nipple before taking it into her mouth, earning a moan from the writhing woman beneath her._

_Gail placed her free hand against Holly's other breast, palming it fully before squeezing it gently and why did she even think about fighting this position?_

_Because then Gail's mouth was moving down her stomach and her hands were about to leave her chest before Holly held them in place._

_She only let go when Gail placed a bite against her hipbone and snatched her hand away to yank against Holly's increasingly damp underwear. She sat back on her knees and tossed the panties aside before placing her hands against Holly's thighs and pulling her forward._

_Once she was settled with one of Gail's thighs pressed into her center, which was working all sorts of magic in the pit of her stomach, she sat up, reattaching herself to Gail's lips and removing her bra and suddenly she was imagining being able to do this for the rest of her life._

_The thought caught her off guard for a moment, giving Gail enough time to push her down once again and make her descent down Holly's body, inching closer and closer and pushing any thought other than having Gail's tongue against her and inside her farther and farther away._

_Then Gail's tongue flicked once, twice, three times against her clit and Holly's attempts at begging sounded like more of a strangled moan then anything else._

_Because Gail's tongue was working some sort of magic and her fingernails were digging into her lower back and was there anything better than this?_

_Which was the moment Gail decided to abandon her attempt at clawing the skin off Holly's back in favor of teasing her fingers against Holly's opening._

" _Jesus fuck."_

_Gail hummed in agreement against Holly's clit and thrust two fingers inside, sending Holly's hips off the bed and Gail jerked back with a laugh._

" _Patience, baby."_

" _I have no patience. Just, please-"_

_Gail shut her up with a kiss and began working her fingers again and moving back down towards Holly's breast, causing her to slip her fingers into Gail's hair, pulling against her scalp, eliciting a moan from which Holly felt the vibration against her nipple._

_And all that mattered was the feeling of Gail and her fingers and tongue and the buildup that she knew Gail was sensing when she added a third finger, which was almost too much in the very best way because suddenly Gail's lips were back at her own and she was moaning into her mouth and it all felt like love and devotion and forever._

_But then Gail pulled away just enough to keep her forehead against Holly's and she curled her fingers inside and whispered, "Come for me, baby."  
_

_And Holly came._

_Afterward, when Gail was slowly removing her fingers and trailing them against her thigh slow enough to leave a trail of wetness, the fog from Holly's mind lifted just enough to know everything that just happened was Gail's way of asking if she really was okay and that the only way she could really answer was to make Gail feel as loved and wanted as she had just made her._

She blinks away the memory and watches as Gail slips on her clothes for the day. She watches as the lines of her brow deepen and the biting of her lip becomes nothing short of frantic.

And Holly knows why. She wants to reach out and reassure her but that would mean giving up the charade of sleep, which would only make Gail feel worse.

So she doesn't. She lies there and thinks about the night before and everything that brought this spent the night with Steve and Traci, celebrating the first anniversary of the latter couples wedding. It was a great night with great food and great people and at least one conversation Holly wasn't meant to overhear.

" _I can't believe you've been married to my brother for a year."_

_"I know, it seems a lot shorter than that."_

_"No, I mean, I can't believed you survived it."_

_"Very funny, Gail. Actually speaking of marriage.."_

_"….What?"_

" _Well, Steve might have mentioned you two went shopping for something last week."_

_"I'm going to kill him."_

_"He's just excited for you-"_

" _He's a dead man."_

" _Oh stop, Gail. He's happy for you. This is huge-"_

" _My god. No it's-it's not huge. It's me and Holly. It's-"_

" _Absolutely nothing at all. That explains the stuttering and the fact that your beer bottle no longer has a label."_

" _Okay, look. It's just- It's Holly and me. Holly and_ me.  _I mean-"_

" _What if she suddenly figures out who she has been crazy in love with for the last, what, two and a half years and bolts?"_

" _T_ _wo years, three months, two weeks, and four days, but yeah, basically, and don't give me that look, Nash."_

" _You realize it is Peck now, right?"_

" _Yeah, but it doesn't feel the same to say my own last name with a sense of righteous indignation. And stop trying to distract me."_

" _Fine, but you really don't have anything to worry about, you know?"  
_

_"Nothing to worry about? It's a huge deal…okay fine, you got me. It is a big deal and I'm really nervous."  
_

_"We have covered that."  
_

_"_ _I just hadn't realized how much I wanted this…and now you have the stupid look again. I don't even know why I am talking to you about this."_

_"Oh shut up. Let's try again. You already have the ring. How are you going to ask?"_

"…"

" _Gail…"_

_"Ugh, I just- I don't know yet. I mean, I have already eliminated all the stupid cliché stuff. Holly hates that and so do I. I was thinking I would do it at home. In the living room, on the couch, it's kind of our spot…"_

And that was when Holly forced herself to walk away because there was no way she was going to spoil this.

So Gail has a ring. And she wants this enough to talk to Traci about the half-formed proposal ideas floating around her head.

Gail has a ring. But Holly had a ring  _first_.

Which is a petulant complaint but Holly really wants to be the one to ask first. Really, really wants it.

She has her own ideas about how she wants to do it but she hasn't made any decisions.

All she knows is that she _needs_  to do it first because there is something really important about making sure Gail knows how much she is wanted.

How much she is wanted and needed and so, so worth it. Worth  _everything_.

And Holly figures that only way she can really make sure Gail knows just how good she is, is to make sure that she is the one to make this gesture first.

Because Gail had been right last night. It was a huge deal. And it  _was_  her and Holly.  _Always_  her and Holly.

And now Holly is so lost in her thoughts that she has none of her usual subtlety while watching and as Gail walks out of the bathroom and sees her eyes open, Holly knows she has been caught.  _  
_

"Shit, did I wake you up?"

Holly adjusts her position and rubs at her eyes. "No, it's fine. I was kind of already awake."

Gail's brow furrows just a bit further and she walks back over to the bed, perching herself on the side. She reaches over, brushes the wisps of hair away from Holly's face, and poses the same question from last night.

"Are you okay?"

She wants to say yes, yes I am okay, more than okay, I'm ecstatic, but she can't. She can't give away that she knows.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

And Gail doesn't believe it for a second, that much is clear. But she doesn't push about stuff like this. She doesn't question or doubt, usually because she is too afraid of the answer.

Instead she leans down and places a kiss on Holly's forehead, her nose, and, lastly, her lips, remaining there a little longer than usual and it all makes Holly feel guilty.

"Okay, well I have to go."

"I know."

Gail stares as her for a moment and Holly can see the wheels turning, trying to piece together everything that has been presented to her.

Then her face changes into a smile that doesn't reach her eyes and Holly knows she has stopped herself before she can get into freak out mode.

She stands up and walks to her desk, slinging her bag across her chest. She glances at Holly once more before training her eyes on the ground in front of her.

"Have a good day, babe."

Gail stops just before leaving the room and looks back, a smile on her face, this one genuine.

"You too. I love you."

"I love you, too."

And then she is gone and Holly is left wondering how the hell she is going to manage to keep this secret.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first off, terribly sorry for the wait. and the shortness of this chapter. i just really wanted to get something up here for you guys. i promise next chapter will be longer and will have the moment that this is all leading up too.  
> again, i own nothing. however, if someone has a holly stewart for sale, i would be totally open to that

**vii. radio silence and quiet defeat**

As it turns out, she lasts four days. Barely four days.

And really, the third day doesn't actually count because Gail pulled an all nighter at the station and Holly only saw her for a total of six minutes.

But those six minutes were torture to get through.

The first day she wasn't very worried because she had three autopsies in a row to keep her busy and she knew as long as she wasn't actually talking to Gail it would be okay.

And it was working. Except when Gail asked what she wanted for lunch that day and Holly panicked, stuttered for a minute, and then said she was too busy to take a break.

The next day it was beginning to get a bit ridiculous. She had sanitized every machine and tool, took inventory on all the supplies, and considered digitizing old files into the new system.

And as she was rolling her eyes at her ridiculous desperation, she phone vibrated. She glanced at the screen, saw Gail's name, and hesitated a moment before answering.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

Holly sighed. The quiet defeat in Gail's voice was surely a result of the fact that she knew Holly had been actively avoiding her for two days. "Hey," she responded, trying for levity.

"Um, are you coming home soon?"

Holly closed her eyes, her chest suddenly feeling tight. "Yeah, I just have to finish up here."

"Okay? So, not soon?"

"I honestly don't know."

"Uh, alright. I'm just going to bed then. I have to go in early tomorrow."

The brief feeling of relief that shot through her at the words was followed by a deeper feeling of guilt. "Well, goodnight then."

"Yeah. Night."

"I love you," Holly said, her was of attempting to stem the tide of uncertainty that was no doubt washing through Gail. Her way of saying this wasn't a real problem between them, this wasn't something Gail needed to be worried about.

There was a moment of silence again, then a sigh. A tired sigh from a woman who didn't deserve to be so resigned. "I love you, too."

Immediately after, there was a click and a dial tone and Holly knew she needed to figure this out and soon.

She needs to figure how to propose before Gail got it in her head that this is Holly's way of saying she didn't want her anymore.

Which she knows is an issue with Gail. It will probably always be an issue with Gail, no matter how long they are together. Which Holly sincerely hopes will be for the rest of their lives.

It will always be there in the back of Gail's head: the idea that she might to be wanted. Not wanted, not worth it, not good enough.

But this is just another reason Holly needs to be the one to propose first. As much as she loves that Gail feels comfortable enough in their relationship that she would put herself out there like this, Holly just needs this. For Gail.

For Gail and the fact that there will always be a part of her that thinks she is not wanted, not worth it, not good enough.

She wants to do this in a way that will shot Gail just how special she truly is. And even though it does take a bit of the surprise away, she is grateful that she doesn't have to worry about Gail not wanting to marry her.

Not that she was actually worried about Gail saying no, but it is just one less worrisome thought that she has to deal with while planning.

But even with knowing all of this, she is lost.

So here she is, on the fourth day, with absolutely nothing, staring aimlessly across her empty lab, trying to come up with something to do that would keep her from going home.

But she misses Gail. Misses her like crazy and she hasn't even gone anywhere. The six minutes she saw her yesterday only made it harder. Gail had been quiet, avoiding Holly's eyes and biting worriedly at her lip.

So maybe going home now will be fine. Gail had texted an hour ago letting her know that she would be pretty late so there was no way she was planning on proposing tonight. Especially with the last three days they have had.

So she has nothing to worry about.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first off, apologies again for the wait. i was on vacation with my family because next month i am leaving to study abroad for a semester.  
> thanks again and as always, i own nothing, just borrowing for a bit to work through my Holly Stewart obsession.

**viii. in which they know they are a couple of idiots (with some crazy, dumb luck)**

The house is quiet when she gets home, just as she suspected. The light in the front hallway is off as is the light in the living room.

Holly is so sure she is the only one home that she doesn't notice the light coming from beneath the bedroom door.

But the first thing she sees when she opens the door is Gail sitting on their bed with her legs pulled up to her chest and her chin resting on her knees.

Holly freezes for a moment and there is something about Gail's position that reminds her of the weeks after the shooting and the quiet and the cheekbones and why are they even in this situation to begin with?

Oh, right.

Five years from now, she tells herself, they will laugh about the absurdity of the past few days, while they are sitting on the couch with a big bottle of wine and the laughter and squeals of a small child filling the background.

But right now, it just hurts. It hurts in that uncomfortable sort of way where you feel like an idiot because you know exactly how you got there but have no idea how to get back.

"Hey. You're home."

Gail nods slowly, not bothering to lift her head. "We finished earlier than I thought we would." She extends her legs to stretch for a moment before directing her haze towards Holly, fixing her with an inscrutable expression.

They hold eye contact for a moment, each waiting for the other to address the unspoken tension between them before Gail raises a brow in something akin to acceptance and slides off the bed. "I'm going to go get something to eat."

Holly watches as she walks out the room, opening and closing her mouth a few times as Gail passed in front of her, closer than they have been to each other in days.

She listens to the sound of Gail's feet descending the stairs before letting out a deep sigh and dragging her hands through her hair. She lets her hands drop to her sides and feels her right hand collide with the small bump in her right blazer pocket.

She takes it out and flips the top open, running her finger over the ring she used to play with when it rested on her grandmother's finger for so many years.

She thinks about this utterly ridiculous situation she has gotten them into, and why.

This was all supposed to be a way to make sure Gail knows how loved she is. How special and strong and brave and beautiful and so, so good she is.

But everything about her behavior this week has assuredly accomplished the opposite.

Which means one thing. She has to do it tonight. Surely Gail has lost whatever confidence that led her to have the conversation with Traci.

She had to do this tonight, right now, and then she can have Gail back. And Gail can have her confidence back.

She glances in the mirror before she leaves the room, setting her shoulders back and attempting to psych herself up. But there is nothing about her appearance that works to reassure her. She looks tired, and she is, physically and mentally.

She raises her gaze to make eye contact with her reflection and tells herself that tonight will be the last of it. This next hour will, hopefully, fix everything.

Not change everything though, because ring or not, she knows Gail is the person she wants to be with for the rest of her life. Gail is her family, her happiness, her everything. And soon she will be her fiancé, and then her wife.

Wife. She  _really_  likes that word.

She smiles at the thought and reminds herself not to get too far ahead. First she needs to fix the damage of the past week.

She exits the rooms and descends the stairs at a rapid pace, her eagerness overcoming her generally uncoordinated nature, and by the time she gets to the bottom of the stairs, she is genuinely surprised she didn't end up in a tangle of limbs on the floor.

However, her astonishment over the momentary display of athleticism is enough of a distraction and she trips over the hallway coffee table, dislodging the small brass statue. She catches the statue and manages to steady herself just in time.

The noise is enough to cause Gail to poke her head over the kitchen bar.

"You okay?"

Holly lets out a small self-deprecating laugh. "Uh, yeah. All good. Just forgot for a second that I have no athletic ability whatsoever." She is banking on Gail's love of teasing her over this fact, about how she fulfills all the stereotypes of a nerd and none of a lesbian.

And it works because there is the beginning of a smile evident at the corners of her mouth and a small crinkling of her eyes. She looks back down to the avocado she is cutting up. "Usually when you forget that, it leads to large bruises in weird places and me having to go get more band aids."

Holly beams. She  _really_  loves this woman. "Yes, well, no blood spilled this time." Gail only hums her agreement and, in an attempt to extend this tenuous reprieve of theirs, she tries small talk. "So, how was your day?"

Gail glances up for a moment, an unimpressed expression across her features, before returning to the avocado. "Fine. We caught a guy today because he left his credit card with the cashier he was trying to steal from."

"People are idiots."

That earns her another hum of approval and Gail turns to the fridge to search for green salsa to mix the avocado in.

Holly watches as Gail reaches to the top of the fridge to get the bag of tortilla chips. The movement is enough to make the hem of Gail's shirt ride up and expose the dimples on her back and she is reminded of the fact that they haven't had sex in almost five days. Which is way too fucking long.

God, this is excruciating.

"What about you?'

"Hmm?"

Gail turned from the fridge and placed the salsa and chips on the counter. "How was your day?"

Oh, right. Serious conversation now, sex later. Hopefully. "It was alright. I had this guy on my table today. They thought he choked to death but Randal ruled COD as cardiac arrhythmia yesterday so the case was closed before the tox screen even came back. But this morning his girlfriend came in for the formal ID and there was just something off about the way she reacted so I had him run the tox again but to open it up to more substances. Turns out he had Aconitum napellus in his system. It's a plant called Monkshood. It causes cardiac arrhythmia and makes it look like the victim choked. Apparently, the girlfriend snuck it into his food because he was cheating on her."

Gail sets down the fork and she was using to mash the avocado and looks up slowly. "Are you telling me you solved a murder because you sensed something was "off" with the girlfriend? What was she doing? Clapping and squealing over his dead body?"

Holly shakes her head with a small smile. "No it was just- I don't know. The things she was saying. It didn't really seem like she meant them. When we bring people in to do the formal ID, they always start telling us stories. They are talking to us, but it's like they don't even know we are there. They never stop looking at their loved one. But this girl, she took one look at him and seemed like she wanted to get out of there right away. And when she was talking about him she kept using past tense. He  _was_  the love of her life. She  _loved_  him so much. It just seemed weird. If someone is the love of your life you don't just stop loving him or her because they died two days before. You don't stop loving them if they died two  _decades_  before."

She looks up to see if Gail agrees with what she is saying or if she is crazy but she is met with a completely different expression. Gail is looking at her with a wide-eyed mixture of awe and sadness and so much love.

"What?"

Gail shakes away the look, adopting something much more blank and cold and unfeeling. She is scared, Holly knows. She stops feeling when she is scared. "Nothing, that is just pretty impressive. So has she confessed?"

Holly nods. "Apparently she said that he deserved everything he got. That no one has the right to play around with someone like that. She said if he didn't want to be with her anymore then he should have just told her." She studies Gail as she says the words, watching as her jaw clenches and her hand tightens around the fork.

Gail takes a deep breath, looks everywhere but Holly and says quietly, "She is right."

"Yes, she is."

Gail just closes her eyes and abandons her food, turning back to the kitchen sink. She turns the water on and picks up one of the coffee mugs, scrubbing rather aggressively. Holly waits until her back is all the way turned before pulling the ring box out and setting it on the bar. She is just about to call attention back to her when Gail starts rambling.

"I mean, she isn't right about the murder part, obviously. That is just ridiculous. But if you don't love someone anymore then you should let them know. You shouldn't just let them be in a relationship with you and think everything is okay."

"Gail-"

"And you are right about the other thing. About not just falling out of love with someone so quickly. I mean if you really loved someone to begin with, that doesn't just go away. Not if they die. Not even if they don't love you back anymore."

"Gail-"

Gail finally turns around, her left hand gripping the coffee mug with whitened knuckles. "Holly, just tell me the tru-" Her voice fades away when she finally notices the opened box sitting on the counter. The coffee mug fell though her fingers and Holly flinched at the shattering noise but Gail didn't seem to notice. "What is that?"

And maybe this isn't really her dream proposal scenario but Gail is in the kitchen and Holly is halfway into the living room and these are their places. This is their reality show debate and their first fight and their first "I love you", so what better place to make Gail know that all she really wants is to spend the rest of their lives together, and that maybe if she was the type of person to believe in fate and destiny, that this is where they where they were always supposed to be. And that maybe the rest of their lives isn't quite long enough for her, but it  _would_  be enough as long as they spent it together.

She takes a deep breath and pushes her glasses back up her nose. "It's-uh, it's my grandmother's. My grandfather gave it to me last year, at Christmas? When I introduced you to him? He pulled me aside after dinner and gave it to me. He said she would have wanted me to have it. That there is something about the way we look at each other."

She can't look up from the ring because she can't look at Gail and she is rambling and she hadn't planned on saying this but she hadn't planned any of it and wasn't that the problem?

"And he is right. I look at you and I just- I can't- ugh. I have been trying to do figure out how to do this for the past week and honestly I couldn't think of anything other than tossing the ring at you and saying, 'hey, you wanna marry me, maybe?' but we both know that would never work because if I tossed it at you my aim would be so terrible that it would probably fall down a vent or something so, you know, here we are...and-"

She is cut off by the sound of something being set on the bar in front of her. In the time it took her to get through that ridiculous speech Gail managed to fish the ring she showed Traci that night out of her bag. So now it seems they have switched places. Because Holly is staring at the open box sitting in front of her and the ring that is facing her and it is  _insane_. Like, really insanely gorgeous. It must have cost a small fortune. There are three circular diamonds on a platinum band, the middle diamond just slightly bigger then the other two. And even from the small distance away that she is, she can see that the diamonds are flawlessly cut. And very, very bright. And shiny.

She knows that her grandmother's ring is incredible. It is a white gold, vintage style half-moon setting with a halo of smaller stones around the center diamond. Once, when she was a kid she asked her grandfather how expensive the ring was and he responded with, 'That thing cost more than your life, sweet girl'. She always thought he was joking, but she is pretty sure you could say the same thing about the ring Gail has bought for her and it would actually be true.

And even though she knew this was going to happen, she knew that Gail was planning on asking her, it only just now feels real. Because she is standing in their home, after almost a week of avoiding Gail for this very reason, to make sure that she would be the first to ask and she managed to mess it up spectacularly. Because she has the ring out and she has Gail in front of her but she forgot to actually ask the question.

"I wanted to do it first," Gail says and Holly is whipped from her thoughts. "I wanted to do it first because I found the ring in the Pride and Prejudice book so I knew you were going to ask but I wanted to do it first."

And then Holly is laughing and Gail is looking at her with a confused expression but this is just so, so dumb that she can't even contain herself. Of course Gail knew. Of course.

She finally stops because she sees the look on Gail's face changing from confusion to hurt and a little bit of fear and she needs to stop before this all falls apart.

"I heard you talking to Traci at their anniversary dinner. I have been avoiding you this past week because  _I_  wanted to do it first. I didn't know you knew that I wanted to ask."

She sees the pieces finally falling into place in Gail's head and a smile breaks across her face. A real smile. The biggest and best Gail smile she has seen since before the shooting.

"We are idiots."

"Yeah," Holly agrees. "We really, kind of are."

"I thought-" Gail shakes her head, "I thought that you were avoiding me because you- I don't know-"

"Because I didn't want you anymore?"

Gail nods her head.

Holly finally moves from her position leaning against the bar and walks around into the kitchen, placing her hands on Gail's cheeks. "I will always want you, Gail. Always. I wake up every morning with you wrapped in my arms and I can't believe how lucky I am. I love you more than I can possibly say, more than I ever thought possible. You are  _perfect_  for me. Everything that you hate about yourself, all the things that you think are flaws are, to me, the most beautiful things about you. And if I have to spend every day of my life convincing you of that, it would be worth it because there is nothing more important to me than you knowing how amazing you are."

And Gail, who has never been one with words, is seemingly at a loss. Instead she moves, as she often does when Holly takes it upon herself to speak every word known to man at once, and places her lips against Holly's with such a ferocity that it is a miracle they are still standing.

Then it is all hands, pulling at each other with a desperate need, as if they were trying to make up for the recent distance between them with this single kiss.

Finally Holly pulls away, but keeps her forehead pressed against Gail's. In the moment where they are catching their breath, they both turn their heads just enough to look back to the rings.

"So are you saying yes?" Holly asks.

Gail smiles. "You haven't actually asked me anything yet."

"And you haven't asked me."

They stare at one another for a moment, before Gail moves like a flash out of Holly's arms. She snatches up the ring she bought and, before Holly can shake out of her stupor, grabs Holly's left hand.

"Holly, you wanna marry me, maybe?"

"Goddamn it."

Gail laughs. "That really isn't one of the possible answers."

She looks up from the ring and sees the smile on Gail's face and even though she was adamant about going first, it seems that she still managed to accomplish her goal. There is no fear or doubt in Gail's eyes and it's okay.

"Yes, obviously," Holly laughs. "Just put the fucking ring on my finger."

Gail smiles and bites her lower lip as she slides the ring onto Holly's hand. Holly takes a moment to stare at the ring in wonder, before reaching for her grandmother's ring- well, Gail's ring now. She takes a moment to glance up at Gail in askance, but Gail's eyes are latched onto the ring in Holly's hand, which she takes as approval.

She tries to slip the ring on Gail's finger but her hands are shaking and she is finally realizing what is happening. And that it is finally happening.

Gail wrapped her right hand around Holly's wrist to steady her, an action that causes her to look up. Gail is staring at her in comfort and sympathy and just a tiny bit of amusement. "Baby, you kind of forgot something."

"What?" Oh, right. "Um, yeah. I- Gail, I- Will, uh...will you...m-marry me?"

Gail throws her head back and laughs and the sound puts a giant grin on Holly's face. "Yes, obviously. Just put the fucking ring on my finger, Holly."

She does and it fits perfectly, like it was always supposed be hers. Holly lets go, sliding her hands up Gail's arms until she reached her collar bones. She rests there for a moment, admiring the difference in their skin tones and the look of the ring on her finger, shaking her head at her crazy, dumb luck.

"You said yes."

Gail smiles. "So did you."

"Yeah," Holly agrees. "I did." She closes her eyes and lets out a deep breath of relief and ponders for a moment just how content she feels, before opening them back up and taking in the woman before her. Her woman. Her fiancé. "Now come closer."

"I'm right here."

"Yeah, I know. But I need you closer."


End file.
